Mystic Goldtop's Daily Horoscope: Aries

Today you will feel hot headed. Stupid. Like an imbecile. Yes, then you will have a chance meeting with a genius next week and eventually, after many turns in your life (all due to your own incompetence) you will finally receive the bountiful rewards that you deserve of the 21st of next month, if the full moon makes it to Saturn and Neptune wiggles Uranus in just the right way, especially when once past Titan.

(A typical example of a pathetic Aries humanoid form)



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Find out what will happen to you this week and how you should deal with it! Phone 0990 123 4567 or text 'Gullible' to 89990 to find out all from Mystic Goldtop!

(Disclaimer: Phone numbers do not exist. Well, they might do, but we do not run them and so if you phone/text them, you will run up a very high bill. Very high. Do not do it. Imbeciles. Mystic Goldtop cannot accurately predict all situations, and in fact get your head out of your proverbial rear ends and start to look for something more in life than in the stars of some Greek Astronomer. Mystic Goldtop's so called astrological service is provided for a very high fee on the behalf of Caution Wet Paint Services a subsidiary of Plov Enterprises (PVT). Calls may be monitored for the purposes of quality control and customer service (ha!). Your information will not be shared unless you reside within the boundaries of the Republic of Poplar which is currently exempt from the jurisdiction of the Data Protection Act (1998) whereby we will sell your information, details and soul to the highest bidder, commonly known in Spanish as 'El Diablo'. Note how this disclaimer actually contains more information (both useful and useless) than the actual horoscope prediction above it.)