Friday 31 October 2008

Lars Grooven haunts us still...(Halloween Special)

I read this and thought of Lars Grooven!

Pluckley the most haunted village in England

You see, Lars was not actually killed but came back to life after being suspended in a vat of chillies. So now he is back and obviously, there are sightings of him in and around the village of Pluckley. Wel, otherwise we would not have this respectable newspaper reporting such tomfoolery, would we.

Lars - is alive, alive I tell you!!!

Tuesday 28 October 2008

I saw Jay and other things...

There was a reason why I crossed three counties to see this man. But enough! Instead we have a VLOG for you to watch. Now!!! (el d)



Watch Vlog by clicking HERE!

Monday 27 October 2008

Rock, Paper, Scissors, Milk!

How else can two grown men settle their differences? Kung Fu, betting? Nay, the simple past time of Rock Paper Scissors, can end wars, defuse conflict and dissolve deadlocks. An unbeliever?



CWP: Rock, Paper, Scissors, Milk - The Webisode!

Sunday 26 October 2008

Hello GMT!



Mmm, an extra hour in bed...mmm, delightfully snug on this cold Autumn morning...mmm...sleep...

Friday 24 October 2008

The Future's Bright...

First of all, just one more look at that great article from CNN:

Our article on CNN - Click here!

Secondly, it was great to be on CNN but now the hard work begins. Taking Caution Wet Paint to the next level. And that is the challenge. Yes, it is scary, and there is no certainty that I will succeed. After all, the paint is one zany idea that has already punched way above its weight.

The future is bright, it is damn scary, but it is a future that I am to embrace...(cmd)

Thursday 23 October 2008

Wednesday 22 October 2008

Mystic Goldtop's Daily Horoscope: Virgo

Hahaha! This one is easy. Too easy for a superior liquid filled brain such as myself. You are pathetic! All of you. Virgos, in this day and age, ha! As a vassal for my superior intellect you will do whatever I say, simply because I command you as such. Yes, that is what will happen to you today. Also, the fourth mood of Hades will spin constantly, causing you to deliver your letters to the wrong address.

(An example of a pathetic Virgo humanoid form)



---

Do you have confusion in your life? Need clarity and purpose to justify your existence. Then phone Mystic Goldtop on 0990 123 4567 or text 'I am obviously a complete Imbecile' to 89990 and feel the clarity that milk provides*!

(Disclaimer: Obviously these numbers do not lead to a service for Zodiac/Tarrot readings, but probably to some pornographic service that will continue to rape your phone bill until you are left penniless and destitute in the gutter. If you phone/text these numbers, we cannot be held accountable for your own stupidity. Listening to Mystic Goldtop will not make you feel better, quite the opposite, you will feel depressed, lonely and a former shell of yourself as your own reasons for living are ripped to shred by what is possibly the most unpleasant person that has come from CWP. Receiving texts from Mystic Goldtop is simply wrong, quite possibly as he has no fingers or thumbs by which to operate such devices. Mystic Goldtop is not a person, but a milk based life form from the Planet Plov, somewhere in the vicinity of Zargon, which you will find off Junction 9 on the M20 in Kent. Mystic Goldtop's so called astrological service is provided for a very high fee on the behalf of Caution Wet Paint Services a subsidiary of Plov Enterprises (PVT). Calls will be monitored because we are spying on our own workforce as it is cheaper to pay them slave wages and not trust them, rather than paying a decent living wage and be settled, happy in the knowledge that they would actually value the job. Note how this disclaimer contains more information (including lies, half truths and what is often referred to as 'Gospel') than the actual horoscope prediction for today.)

Tuesday 21 October 2008

Mystic Goldtop's Daily Horoscope: Aries

Today you will feel hot headed. Stupid. Like an imbecile. Yes, then you will have a chance meeting with a genius next week and eventually, after many turns in your life (all due to your own incompetence) you will finally receive the bountiful rewards that you deserve of the 21st of next month, if the full moon makes it to Saturn and Neptune wiggles Uranus in just the right way, especially when once past Titan.

(A typical example of a pathetic Aries humanoid form)



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Find out what will happen to you this week and how you should deal with it! Phone 0990 123 4567 or text 'Gullible' to 89990 to find out all from Mystic Goldtop!

(Disclaimer: Phone numbers do not exist. Well, they might do, but we do not run them and so if you phone/text them, you will run up a very high bill. Very high. Do not do it. Imbeciles. Mystic Goldtop cannot accurately predict all situations, and in fact get your head out of your proverbial rear ends and start to look for something more in life than in the stars of some Greek Astronomer. Mystic Goldtop's so called astrological service is provided for a very high fee on the behalf of Caution Wet Paint Services a subsidiary of Plov Enterprises (PVT). Calls may be monitored for the purposes of quality control and customer service (ha!). Your information will not be shared unless you reside within the boundaries of the Republic of Poplar which is currently exempt from the jurisdiction of the Data Protection Act (1998) whereby we will sell your information, details and soul to the highest bidder, commonly known in Spanish as 'El Diablo'. Note how this disclaimer actually contains more information (both useful and useless) than the actual horoscope prediction above it.)

Sunday 19 October 2008

Comrades Brown and Bush!

Exclusive, you have heard it here first, the New Capitalist Manifesto from Comrades Brown and Bush, here to save the world from destruction from the evil...fundamentalists! Yes, we must protect our way of life and our freedoms from the...fundamentalists! They have brought down our stock markets, forced our banks into state hands and have exposed our hopeless economies for the shambles they were. But never fear, Comrades Brown and Bush, fresh from Nationalising our financial institutions have a solution for you!



Your Economy needs You!

Saturday 18 October 2008

Finished?

All right, this morning I am exhausted, so a quickie here. Finished the CWP Feature Script, Now, when I mean finished, I was actually rewriting it. The first draft of the script was written in 2006. During 2007 I rewrote the script twice, mainly corrections and rounding the characters. This year, I was in Seychelles and that was a major rewrite. But the script got very bloated by then - 109 pages (if one page equals one minute of film time, that is a little too long) and six songs. Something had to give.

But before I went into the script, I had to sort out the songs. Give the lyrics a rhyme and get a rhythm to the pieces. That was started in August and it took two months to rewrite all the songs. There is a reason why I am not a poet. Then came the actual re-write, but in this case, it was more of a cut. Scenes were slashed left, right and centre while two songs were dropped. However, it has left a much leaner script. After the family reads it, I will be farming it out to the cast to garner their opinions.

Right, too tired (cmd)

Friday 17 October 2008

Dancing Lessons

At Caution Wet Paint, I am continuously learning about the processes behind film making. Ironically, I seem to spend very little time making films or writing scripts and instead (as I mentioned to a friend of mine) seem to be hustling people. That seems to be the nature of film making.

But one thing I am ennjoying is the learning curve. And I am being helped out by Kuldip and his Indian heritage with all things Bollywood. As regular readers of this blog know, CWP is all about the Motherland...



Watch Kay dancing here!

Thursday 16 October 2008

Kung Fu Jay



Master of the milk bottle, King of Poplar and expert of Comics, it is Kung Fu Jay...yes, master of all...



















Wednesday 15 October 2008

We aspire to only 72 percent?

Following my badly photo edited photo of a new product advertised on the tube, I have to ask, what could possibly make up that 28% that is not meat?

After all, a sausage is considered a fairly meaty dish, on par with a steak or a chop. Any self respecting BBQ would happily serve sausages alongside the other protein rich dishes. But with only 72% meat, are sausages in fact a rip off that is representative of life as a whole.

Instead of going for the juicy steak or an exquisite cut of meat, we settle for less, something easier to chew, but something deeply unsatisfying. Something far more harmful than any dull side of meat could do to us and ultimately, something that is just not as natural as a slab of the chewy stuff?

Maybe I am reading too much into this, but proclaiming that a sausage has 72% meat, raises more doubts than jubilation. Just what is the remaining 28% made of? Suggestions please...and also, is that all we can hope for, just 72% of life? Oh well, I feel like some bangers and mash...mmm, 28%...

Tuesday 14 October 2008

Shepherds Bush is a State Secret!

After a mighty fine portion of Lebanese cuisine on the Uxbridge Road, a friend and I waddled merrily to down to Shepherds Bush Green. The place is awash with roadworks in preparation for the opening of the S@@tfield Centre. Needing to get South of the River, we ventured to the newly consecrated gateway to the Bush (only a year late, due to four feet of space) and waited patiently for our train to arrive.

In the meantime I took a snap of the overbearing pile of concrete.

Then my friend and I kept on talking.

'Excuse me, you're not allowed to take photos here.'

I looked down and saw the smartly dressed guard. After all, this is a brand new station.

'Oh sure mate, sorry about that'.

And I tucked my camera into my pocket.

'You are going to have to delete that last photo.'

I looked at my friend. It was 'that' look. The look that I get whenever a man tells me what to do.

Now, I am not outwardly confrontational (my cast may disagree). I work in transport so I am not going to mouth off on this guy, but I quite clearly believe in the greyness of such regulations and so realise the sometimes futile nature of actually enforcing some of the rules. I appreciate his stance, so of course I put away my camera. But I have a severe problem whenever a man insists that I do something. If it is a woman, I will bed over and obey. But for a guy...

So I smiled at my friend.

'No mate.'
'You have to.'
'Look, I appreciate that you're doing you're job. But I ain't deleting no photos. Now if you want me to delete the photo, you will have to throw me onto the tracks.'

The guard looked stunned that I had made such a suggestion. In a calm voice, I continued.

'I don't mind, I understand that you have a job to do. But there is no way I will delete this photo. Now, if you want to get rid of this photo, throw me onto the tracks. I don't mind.'

Shocked, the guard began to back away from me. He realised that I am actually nuts.

'Or if you don't want to throw me onto the tracks, then call the police'. They can get rid of the photo.'
'No, no, I won't call the police.'
'Okay.'
'The British Transport Pigs have an office up there. Theyll be down soon.'
'Okay mate.'

So I turned to my friend and continued talking.

'Yeah, I work in the transport, I understand it's a s**tty job.'

My friend looked bemused.

'Wait a minute, did I tell him to throw me on the tracks?'

We burst out laughing and our train arrived. Oh, and I suppose you want to see the offending photo:



(It really is a crap photo)

---

So, continuing my journey home, I saw this poster for sausage meat. I am not a pork eater, so this advert really does not turn me on, but I thought it would be great to share with you:



What attracted me to this ad? Was it the blazing red? The patriotic piece of phallus thrust in my eye line? The fact that it was quite clearly a London Thing?

Nope, it was the exclamation that this sausage contained 72% British Pork!

I wonder what's in the other 28%...suggestions?

(El D.)

Sunday 12 October 2008

The Story of the "Amen Break"

I came across this audio lecture the other day, v. interesting.

Its amazing how a huge number of dance/techno tracks from the late 90s were sampled from a single drum loop.

The loop in question was not generated by a synthesizer (as is often misunderstood to be the case), but is a cut from a "live" 8 bar drum break on the 60s soul track "Amen Brother". That track has such an incredible vibe that it has been "sampled" by just about every dance music artist of the last 15 years...

... including Caution Wet Paint. Listen to our music back catalogue - can you spot it?

- El Maestro

Saturday 11 October 2008

CONFESSIONS OF A COMIC BOOK WRITER

As is appropriate for a man who loves his comics, Jay has given himself a slight yellow tint. He also has to tell you a few things...



Ari Gill, True Confessions – Click here to Watch!

Friday 10 October 2008

New tube line to Reykjavik

As part of the umpteen billion pound investment into the tube, to bring it up to the standards of a developing world country, London Underground today unveiled the new GBP40 Million Metropolitan Line extension to Rekjavik.

Here at Caution Wet Paint have also been sponsored by the 'Invest (Now While we still exist) in Iceland Board' to tell you, the general public, why Iceland is the the place to put what remains of your paltry amounts of cash!



Caution Wet Paint sells Iceland to the World!

Thursday 9 October 2008

Captaon Goldtop returns to insult you all!

You imbeciles! Yes, you know who you are. Do you know who Captain Goldtop, tyrant, genius and all round milk bottle.

Now, this weekend, I will be making some veedeeoos for this silly thing known as Caution Wet Paint. Obviously, this is the brainchild of some sick, twiated individual, but the pay is good and the economy of Plov is not that good after the hedonism of one chilli obsessed individual.

So, this will be the chance to exercise my iron will on a group of individuals who know nothing but idiocy. Yes, I will kill them all...hahahahahaha!

Wednesday 8 October 2008

CWP: The Milk Crisis...

One a big thank you to all that that took the time to click and view our contribution to VlogsUp. We hit the ton, which is great and is only thanks to your support!



---

(El Director speaks, California style, high on Coke)

So yeah man, yeah, I had this idea, it was like, yeah, an epiphany, an instant in my own life where I saw beyond the zone and into the next level. Just, how can you combine Kung Fu and the Credit Crisis. That, is where the cash is to be made. And this idea, like, it is just genius.

(Sniffs)

Hey man, what do we take when the cash runs dry?



Watch 'CWP: The Milk Crisis' by clicking here!

Tuesday 7 October 2008

Watch VlogsUp or DIE!



My name is Captain Goldtop. I order you, my minions on Planet Earth to watch the fantastic VlogsUp, namely because I, am the ruler of this channel, and master of this great project! Through my powers of mind control, I have ordered everyone to create videos for me! I am a genius! Hahaha!


CLICK HERE TO WATCH!

Sunday 5 October 2008

Berlin to Bombay

And from yesterday's jaunt around El Director's pick of German cinema to today's slice of spice from the Motherland courtesy of Kay the Cool:



Gujurati Video Click Here!

Bollywood, here we come. Ultimately, size matters, and we are after the BIGGEST film market...

Saturday 4 October 2008

Run Lola Run?

Yesterday, we released our 100th webisode. You can check it out here and of course, do not forget to leave your comments and thoughts. It is always good to get some feedback.

It was Olivia who came up wth the idea for a 'run' to go with Nick's club beat. But I wanted to take that idea one step further and pay homage to one of the great films of all time, 'Run Lola Run'.

For me, German cinema is probably one of the most underrated schools of film in the world. Germany is funky, vibrant and unafraid to tackle its past. Two world wars and a partitioned country for much of the late Twentieth Century has given German film makers fertile ground for some of the most innovative cinema ever. Apart from Run Lola Run a couple of other classics are the hilarious Goodbye Lenin and the magnificently filmed The Downfall, which is possibly one of the greatest movies of all time.

So there you have it is not all Bollywood, El Director also loves German Cinema. And if you have not done so already, check those films out - you will not regret it.

Friday 3 October 2008

100th Webisode

Shockingly here at Caution Wet Paint, we have reached webisode number 100. Don't believe us, well look on here. And while you are at it, enjoy some real London hospitality and take a bow at the table of fun as we celebrate the century, together!



Run Kay Run! - CLICK HERE TO WATCH

And you can DIGG us HERE!

Thursday 2 October 2008

99 and a Half...

It as been a mini-dilemma. At the moment, I see that we have 99 videos on our Youtube Channel and I have been racking my brains about what should be the 100th episode? At the moment, I was waiting to see if someone else would jump in, but it looks like I will fill the gap wth the century.

And expect a webisode tomorrow...sometime...it will be, funky...

Wednesday 1 October 2008

Myspace Blog

Apologies to anyone reading from the myspace blog, but as usual, it flipped up again and decided not to post up. Essentially, I am busy rewriting the script for the feature length as we speak (well, I'll get some rest first).

For thos that missed out, yesterday was our first time on Vlog'sUp and you can take a look at our video, HERE!!! Watch and see the fun and games...