Mystic Goldtop's Daily Horoscope: Virgo

Hahaha! This one is easy. Too easy for a superior liquid filled brain such as myself. You are pathetic! All of you. Virgos, in this day and age, ha! As a vassal for my superior intellect you will do whatever I say, simply because I command you as such. Yes, that is what will happen to you today. Also, the fourth mood of Hades will spin constantly, causing you to deliver your letters to the wrong address.

(An example of a pathetic Virgo humanoid form)



---

Do you have confusion in your life? Need clarity and purpose to justify your existence. Then phone Mystic Goldtop on 0990 123 4567 or text 'I am obviously a complete Imbecile' to 89990 and feel the clarity that milk provides*!

(Disclaimer: Obviously these numbers do not lead to a service for Zodiac/Tarrot readings, but probably to some pornographic service that will continue to rape your phone bill until you are left penniless and destitute in the gutter. If you phone/text these numbers, we cannot be held accountable for your own stupidity. Listening to Mystic Goldtop will not make you feel better, quite the opposite, you will feel depressed, lonely and a former shell of yourself as your own reasons for living are ripped to shred by what is possibly the most unpleasant person that has come from CWP. Receiving texts from Mystic Goldtop is simply wrong, quite possibly as he has no fingers or thumbs by which to operate such devices. Mystic Goldtop is not a person, but a milk based life form from the Planet Plov, somewhere in the vicinity of Zargon, which you will find off Junction 9 on the M20 in Kent. Mystic Goldtop's so called astrological service is provided for a very high fee on the behalf of Caution Wet Paint Services a subsidiary of Plov Enterprises (PVT). Calls will be monitored because we are spying on our own workforce as it is cheaper to pay them slave wages and not trust them, rather than paying a decent living wage and be settled, happy in the knowledge that they would actually value the job. Note how this disclaimer contains more information (including lies, half truths and what is often referred to as 'Gospel') than the actual horoscope prediction for today.)